word to your mother.

I forgot that I knew this, and I say this, because I advised one of my friends to do this:

“Remember that when you break your word, you can be responsible for what you’ve said, what you’ve done or what you’ve not done, and then restore the integrity by remaking your promise and then keeping and honoring your word. Honor who you are.” March 18, 2008

What a trip. And to think that I’ve been so right about everything, that even I have forgotten how to be responsible. It’s such a trip that the whole time this has been right in front of my face, and yet, I’ve forgotten how to follow it myself.

It reminds me of the time I got into an upset. I know the three parts of an upset and Max, a friend, told me that the one that I was not remembering was most likely the one that I was on it about.

So sick. Sick. Sick. Sick.

When it comes down to it, I’m happy I did the Advanced Course. It’s worth everything that’s at stake. Being with the people I spent the weekend with–I will remember for the rest of my life because they were cause in my being cause in the matter of the world.

With all metaphors and bullshit aside, Reno got himself into everything. No one else did it for him, no one else created it for him. It occurs for me as if Karma decided to get him and kick him in the ass. Everything Reno’s given out, he getting back ten-fold. “If you don’t remember where you came from, you’re on your way back.” I know he has the capacity to get out of whatever he’s gotten himself into. Disappointingly, knowing makes no difference. I get that what I’m saying strips Reno of power, but with the way that he has been being, he has not had any. It’s as if Reno has given up playing the game of life and he would rather suffer, be a victim and let life play him.

Yes, there are things I could have done, should have done, or whatever else there was for me to have done. I have no regrets whatsoever. Really though, I take the situation for what it is, what’s so and I’ll live. Reno will, too.

It’s amazing how one person can impact so many people. We really are social creatures. I acknowledge the impact it has on Nora, Bella, Jasmin, Anthony, Chris, Little Anthony, Aprille, Reno’s family, and Edmond and Ellie, and even more people I don’t know. It is seriously huge. People are worried, people are feeling sorry for him, people are in support of him. I’m not sorry for him. I’m not happy for him. Reno got Reno where Reno is now. I do love Reno unconditionally, that even in all his crap, I know that Reno is Reno and Reno is as Reno will be.

Considering the situation at hand, the place I know and choose to function from is who I know Reno to be. Not rather where Reno is now, but who Reno has been and is capable of being. The possibility versus the act.

Granted, Reno will always be Reno. Reno is as Reno does and Reno is Reno. Whatever thoughts and feelings there are, Reno is not Reno, and without the thoughts and feelings, Reno is Reno.

On a last note, it seems that for anyone to be complete, there are things to be responsible for, things to acknowledge, communications to have and possibly the hardest thing, people to forgive. There are things to get off, give up and let go of. Let it go.

This was from a post on another site in November of ‘06. Reminds me and relieves me…

 01:05 AM – growth and a path to some form of enlightenment.

…you meet some of the most open people in the weirdest of places. it’s pretty amazing.

b: what do you do?
j: full-time student. taking up a lot actually. double major with a minor.
b: dont overextend youself on anyone else’s account. where do you go to school?
j: a cal state here in california
b: are you happy?
j: not really
b: or just trying to figure things out
j: trying to figure out how growing up works
b: well when you find out, let me know. lol
j: i thought i had it down when i was babysitting everyone’s kids and feeling important but when it came to my life alone, i got screwed!
b: growing up sux because you realize you have no choice but to get older… thats when pressure sets it
j: so now i’m stuck again, trying to figure it out, haha
b: you sound very practical tho. very methodical in your thinking
j: it’s how i live my life
b: well come out to nc and be my nanny and an adult to talk with, lolol
j: very logical… with a little spontaneity here and there, haha
b: nowadays things are too strange to be spontaneous, ya know?
j: got it. i get that.
b: you know the worst part of growing up?
j: ?
b: knowing you want to do something so awesome but cant pinpoint what it is exactly. like a driving force towards the unknown. its strange. dont know if i make sense. i think you know what i mean tho.
j: oh my. believe me. i totally get what you’re saying.
b: you know what i sense is your weakest point?
j: i’ve been trying to figure out what that something is. ?
b: you take everyone’s word for things based on what they thought of the event……rely on your gut and dont expect to have things the same way for you. i feel you dont have a lot of people around you who support your thoughts like they always have to put in their 2cents. just a feeling i have. could be wrong. but ….. lol
j: you got it right on. how funny
b: happens to me a lot
j: haha, cool.
b: if i use it right, its a blessing. if i dont its a curse lololololol you’ll be fine because you have goals
j: HAHAHA
b: maybe not ones to explain to anyone else but you have them. dont be in a hurry to feel obligated to explain them to anyone. ya cant please the masses lololol
j: actually feels great to hear that, haha… and i get that i can’t please the masses. it’s just the worst when the masses come atcha from all directions.
b: always there as an ear if you need
j: hahaha, thanks.
b: hey, they always will BUT now is the time to learn WITH yourself on what values you stand on that way, you wont get knocked off balance as easy/fast. its like driving somewhere: if you have the general idea of where you’re going, you’ll get there eventully but if you have a map, obviously it’s a bit easier and faster BUT you will see what we each make our own maps in life and my path isnt always the best for you
j: got that
b: take chances because you are responsible. trust yourself more and give yourself more credit than you do now
j: i shall. thanks for the advice, haha.
b: just look at the nickname you chose here. redefine yourself daily BUT dont forget to keep the important parts honed.
j: exactly. not many people get that.
b: amen lolol
j: heh
b: not very many people get anything lololol

Stuck is the suck.

You ever get the feeling that there is just some sort of gut feeling that won’t let you go? I’m on this level of confusion that is really serving me right. The thing is, I get that where I am, is where I choose to be, unless my circumstances choose for me… and I have been most definitely letting my circumstances get the best of me.

Lately, I’ve been putting more of my past in the past where it belongs. One instance where I’ve been putting the past in the past is in my relationship with my best friend. Having been in an intimate relationship with him and trying to keep it as platonic as possible has been an off and on challenge. I have totally had my days. There’s no doubt about it, I’ve been hurt and so has he, but I made the decision to move on last year. Reflecting on the past year and learning so much more about myself, I got that I never really wanted to leave him, but I didn’t know how to deal with the confrontations and the situations that were showing up. In all the timing of the world, while this was showing up, an opportunity presented itself with someone else. So, I took the opportunity and have not regretted any one moment of it all since then. After it was all over, I left and I traveled into unchartered territory with someone new.

After I got some parts of myself figured out these past few months, I realized I purposely sabotaged my relationship with my best friend. It’s crazy how getting that one distinction touched so many other parts of my life. All in all, I sabotaged a lot of good things I had going in my life. School, relationships to my family, my friends, and even myself. I refused to be the bigger person. I did not want to be responsible. I had a story going that I wasn’t good enough for anything or anyone. When it really came down to it, I chose to cop out.

So the way that this affects my current status is really nothing but great. I always know I love my best friend unconditionally. What shows up, too, is the amazing unconditional love for my current boyfriend. Having gotten the distinction of sabotage, was I not only able to get present to what’s so, I also got present to choice. I choose to be with my current beau and not with my best friend. Overall, each time I realize that as stuck as I may be at any moment, as much as I may want to sabotage everything that I have and everything at stake, I have the power to actively choose where I am and who I’ll be in the face of an environment that supplies zero agreement.